Inner peace

In whose hand is the soul of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind. Job 12:10

     I have been so frustrated and anxious this week over the house and other things and have forgot to be thankful for the little things. I look at the support group that I am apart of for ITP and remember how lucky I am. I remember the days of not being able to even lift my head up off the couch becuase I was on so much prednisone the pressure made me feel like my eyes were going to pop out when I sat up.  I can now walk out of this house and know I look like me and my face not almost doubled what it normally is. People dont realize how much a weird look can depress someone. I used to hide from people I knew in the stores becuase I was so uncomfortable with my face.Dont forget the steroid acne that spreads across your forehead and across your back. The day that I dropped from 80 mg to 60 I took 3 naps and almost literally couldnt move I hurt so bad from steroid withdrawls.
     I remember calling a friend just to cry and saying, dont let him raise my kids by hisself, he will need help. I had felt sick before I had found out, but I honestly thought I was going to die after I was on the prednisone about a month. I dont know why I thought I was going to, but I did. I remember thinking how weird it was that I wasnt scared, but just worried about my kids being raised the way only I can do. The treatment for this disease is worse than having it, but not treating you might die.
     The psychological effects are almost to much. I will never forget my first xanax that my family doctor finally put me on for anxiety when my blood pressure was getting high. It felt like heaven just to be able to slow down mentally. Before that my kids could walk by me to fast and I would start screaming. It was just like I was on a mental mary-go-round and any more movement or more than one person talking around me would push me over the edge. There were days I literally could not think straight. I called my mom one night and sat there and tried and tried to work my bills and after an hour I gave up and went to bed. I couldnt add them all up to see how much money I had left and I even had a calculater. The nights I couldnt sleep made my anxiety so much worse, and there was many of them. After getting on the prednisone I think my every night prayer was just for inner peace.
     I dont know why prednisone is the first treatment for this disease or any disease really. Any one that has been on high doses will tell you it should be the last and only in a real emergency. I am so glad it didnt work for me and I never have to worry about taking it again. I would rather sit there for 5 hours hooked up to an iv looking at abunch of other people hooked up to an iv than take that pill everyday. I remember people being all worried when I finally had my gallbladder surgery, that was a peice of cake. I would choose that surgery 20 times over taking prednisone, actually probably more like 100 times.
   Theres so many awful memories that I have wrote down just to remember the bad days, to be thankful for my good day today.