Small town dream*

I realized today that I am a small town kid with small town dreams. I just want to be happy and healthy and that will be successful to me! There are days like the other day when im not happy at all and then there are days like today that im content just being. January and February are usually good to me, and im going to make sure they are again =)

fail me

I dont understand why life gave me such a shitty hand. My life is been one big struggle after another and I get tired of fighting for everything. I dont know why I even try to hope for anything or believe something becuase it will always fail me and let me down. Ive done the best I could with what I have... and it will never be enough.

Gone With The Wind

To add on to the last post...
No matter what house I end up in, even if its this one, I have big plans for the pictures from the movie Gone With The Wind. That will always be my all time favorite book and movie.

Where I need to be

OK so. We found out the reason that we have never heard anything back on the short sale house on Davenport. We had talked about offering them pay off instead of waiting for the short sale, but decided we would get a good deal to just wait on it. Some idiot in the middle of that assumed that we made another offer and cancelled our offer to Fannie Mae. I have really bad luck.
We also found out that it will probably be the end of next week before we know anything on the other loan. I guess the underwriter has to do almost the whole thing manually and she also does house inspections. So it takes her a whole day just to go through one application and thats when she can stay in the office and not do inspections. So its going to be awhile on that loan.
I decided to give it all to God. If it is in his plans for us to buy a house anytime soon or even one of these 2 houses something will work out without me worrying about it. He will either open doors or shut them according to what he wants for us.
Thank you Jeanna for the song. It told me where I need to be.

Waiting...

     So we still dont know anything on our loan, I guess this is going to be a long frustrating process. I was really hoping it was going to go easy, and start this year off good. So much for that.
     I am still having the muscle jerks. Yesterday I had one and it jerked me wrong and hurt my back. Ive been having headaches too. I called Dr Weber and Ramos and they called me back pretty quick. Ramos said take 3 muscle relaxers a day and if that didnt work they were going to refer me to a neurologists. Why arent they more worried with whats causing them? Dr Webers wanted me referred so they made me an appointment but the first open one in Amarillo is in May. I checked on my insurance and was making sure they appointment I have is in my network, and thought about going to Lubbock. I made a few calls and they can get me in this month. Dr Webers office still has to talk to him about referring me somewhere else. I dont know if im more scared that I am going to need the neurologists or if I need him its going to take so long to get in. If something is wrong that the neurologists finds and means anything to him, it will mean that my central nervous system is being affected by "whatever" autoimmune is wrong with me.
      I decided today that I need a job to keep my mind of things, so tomorrow im going to go put a few applications in and try to see if I can actually get a sitter for me to work. I hope this year gets better, becuase if not this is going to suck.

Cancer and auto immune diseases

So I have been asked several times since my diagnosis about lupus and autoimmune diseases being cancer. No they are not cancer. The difference in lupus and other auto immune diseases and cancer is.. in cancer a "bad" cell multiplies so fast that your immune system can not take care of it on its own. In auto immune diseases we have "confused" cells that flag healthy cells to be killed becuase they are confused and cant tell they are healthy. Basically a type of allergic reaction to our own bodies instead of an environmental source. The treatments for cancer and autoimmune can sometimes be the same depending on how severe your auto immune disease is. The goal of chemo and things like that is to kill cells that are bad or confused but from what I know chemo actually kills all cells. The rituxan treatment that I took and was allergic to is actually a lymphoma treatment and targets killer B cell production I THINK. The treatment that I want to try instead of all these pills im on is basically like a light chemo but I dont know if I will be able to take it becuase it messes with your bone marrow. Not everyone with lupus has low platelets and blood like that, some will have other blood issues or no blood issues. That is why I have not been officially diagnosed with lupus is becuase it manifest its self so different and with so many different symptoms in everyone that it is very hard to diagnose. If anyone knows anymore to add or anything that im wrong about please feel free to correct me, I want to understand this as much as possible.

Change

I hope God has it in his plans to make us home owners soon. I have new house and decorating fever so bad I had to rearrange my living room.